Sixteen and Pregnant

I’m a sixteen-year old girl and my boyfriend and I have recently started having sex. My period was late last week and, when I asked one of my friends about it, she suggested I should take a pregnancy test. It was positive and I’m so scared. Please suggest the best possible way to speak to my parents about this…

/Sixteen?! Ever heard of a condom?

Jokes aside, I can’t actually tell you how many times I’ve heard this ol’ tale before. Surprisingly common these days, for some reason. First things first, how much do you think your parents like you? This, interestingly enough, will factor into their reaction to the whole issue, though probably not. Whether they like you or not, they are probably going to be rather bleak about this whole thing.  I am still trying to find somebody who wants their child to be a parent at any age under eighteen (18), unless they have an I.Q which manifests itself beneath fifty (50).

Sure, they’ll be a little upset at first but, eventually, they’ll come around, hopefully. If they seem slightly ‘on edge’, then be on the watch:

1.)     Avoid drinks which either of your parents may have poured without you watching.

2.)    Watch your back whilst descending any stairs you may have at home.

3.)    Be on the lookout out for any unnecessary smoking they may be doing around you.

4.)    Track their credit card payments, if possible, as this could expose any mysterious drug prescriptions, hitmen hiring, or murder tool purchases.

Hoping all of this helps…

P.S: If the parents react really badly, you may need to consider crossing the border and making a new life for yourself. If this is the case, you may want to take an interest in learning a second language. Also, be open-minded when it comes to earning some cash./

Wedding Bells

Wedding bells are soon to be ringing in my life and, frankly, I’m feeling rather nervous. My fiancée and I have been engaged for about six months now and, as we near D-day, preparations for my imminent wedding are being made. I don’t know if I’m ready for it, though. I’m only twenty-six. Could I be rushing into this, maybe? My lady seems to think that marriage is the next logical step for us. Any suggestions?

/Firstly, marriage is never ever a logical step. The only time it is a logical step is when you are a sadist and you feel like a particularly sick challenge.

Secondly, there is a big difference between being nervous and being afraid. You are nervous when somebody in the general vicinity is pointing a gun. You are scared when somebody in the general vicinity is pointing a gun at you.

That being said, it may not be too late for you. At this stage, three options are still available to you:

1.)    You go through with the wedding. Chances are, you’ll survive the ceremony and all the additional parts attached to it. The following few years may be trying, tiring, frustrating, boring and many, many other words of this nature. If the woman in question is known to you and tolerable, then this option, though difficult, could be viable, possibly. It is also worth noting that marriage makes your partnership rather exclusive and any activities outside of this binding are often frowned upon.

2.)    You call the wedding off. There will be hostility, believe me, and it will come from all sides. You may have a greater survival rate the sooner you let it be known that you do not want to marry because, as time goes by, preparations become more involved and, therefore, more expensive. An important thing to note here is that if you happen to dislike your fiancée, save using this option until just before you have to say ‘I do’ for maximum expenditure.

3.)    The third option you have is to attend all the practice runs, nod politely through all selections regarding the wedding and, up until the day itself, seemingly beam positivity about it. However, when ‘D-day’ as you put it, rolls around,  like a soldier running up the beaches of Normandy, you may want to hide yourself in a bunker far, far underground where nobody on this earth can reach you.

Hopefully this information reaches you in time. Sometimes tying the knot can be the most beautiful thing you can do in your lifetime. Just be sure to check that said knot does not form a noose./

Dog on Fire

My dog appears to have burst into flame. There I was just sitting in the lounge, catching up on my Lost when the dog wandered into the room resembling a miniature comet. I was wondering what sort of actions one in your position would possibly recommend?

/Judging by your letter I have assumed that you are in no big hurry to solve your problem. This calm attitude, whilst useful in some situations, may not have been the most viable here. Your best bet would’ve been to have phoned the fire department somewhere in the region of four to five weeks ago.

Chances are that now your dog is dead and, if not dead, severely charred. If your hound was lucky enough to have developed a slow-burning fire you could simply extinguish him with water or, if handy, large bucketfuls of sand. A fire extinguisher may not be the worst idea either; though reading the instructions can prove to be rather laborious and unrewarding in the long run.

Hopefully this has solved your problem…/